How do we create a healthy family life?

Our physical body needs is care, nutrition, exercise, sleep, phases of activity and phases of rest. Sexuality can also be seen as a physical need and so can the  need for sensation of our body Surface by being touched, stroked, bathed/washed and dryed/rubbed, massaged, wrapped and  dressed. In the care for the young child the adult takes responsibility for the organization of these processes with loving attention, joy, respect and a caring attitude. Gradually, the child acquires increasingly the ability to perform these processes by himself, that is, he learns to self-regulate. The child acts out of the impulse to imitate (learning from the model) and out of the joy of doing. Therefore, on the one hand adults are needed who are conscious of their role as models for the child, and on the other hand time and space are needed for the child to do things by herself. See Emmi Pikler's call for respecting the child's autonomous development of movement: "Give me time to do it myself".

The adult practices attentiveness in daily activities, respect for the child's need for self-regulation and for her own individual pace in development. Rhythm and rituals (the two most effective stress prevention tools in everyday family life) and the establishment of healthy habits in living together are helpful supporters in this learning process. Since habits can only be learned by the child through imitation and example, it is necessary for us adults to shape our lives accordingly as much as possible – through which we also benefit ourselves.

Rhythm and food

The first beginnings of physiological life rhythms are established through the intake of food. Already at the age of three months the child offers us the opportunity to build up a variable but nevertheless clearly recognizable breastfeeding rhythm. This is the starting point for the rhythmical adjustment of all physiological bodily processes to a so-called circadian rhythm, that is, to the swing between activity and rest phase within 24 hours. It is therefore very helpful for everyday family life if there are regular mealtimes, – if possible at the same place –, so that one does not eat at random or in constantly changing places, always being on the move. Also eating a meal needs the undivided attention. During meat time we adults avoid distractions and abstain from doing other jobs.

The child learns to self-regulate her eating habits gradually if we respect the child’s self-perception. The child should never be urged to eat. Food is offered as an invitation, not under duress. Also the child shouldn't have to empty his plate if someone else has served up the food for the child. At the same time the child has the opportunity to experience during a meal that adults do not carelessly deal with food. Remaining food is either further used, possibly fed to existing domestic animals or added to the compost – depending on what is appropriate.

It goes without saying that the quality of food has a significant influence on people's health all through life. Here, too, our own example, our own eating habits as adults, will have a habit-forming influence on the entire family system.

Rituals

Children love rituals. Rituals are recognizable signals that provide orientation and promote rhythm. When a ritual resounds – e.g., thanks giving prayer before dinner or an evening song –, internal metabolic processes are demonstrably stimulated, e.g., digestive juices or the sleep hormone are released (7). Studies have shown that prayers before a meal promote healthy eating habits, evening prayers promote healthy sleep (8). This effect is independent of specific religious beliefs. Children bear a natural religiousness within them. This can be perceived e.g. in gratitude and joy about the small things of everyday life. When children experience that adults turn to food and sleep with reverence and gratitude, then they develop these qualities as inner strength. Children don't forget a ritual. If we forget it in everyday life - the child immediately reminds us of it. And when we then respond to the child and the well-known verse is spoken, then the child’s whole face beams, because the child knows: "this is the right order, first the verse and then the food". That is attentiveness. Children live in the here and now and are artists in attentiveness. Shaping family culture means that we adults allow ourselves to be instructed by the children again and again, that we pause, take control of our tendency to rush in the daily processes and become mindful. Thus we fulfil not only the needs of children but also generally human needs, and our own needs as well.

Rituals also fulfill needs that originate in the spiritual realm, the spiritual home of the human being (4th field of life). Thus the celebration of seasonal festivals, religious services etc.  meet the need for rhythm and rituals on the one hand, and fulfil the need for the feeling of meaning, context, positivity and trust in origin and future.

Lastly, rituals have an astonishing effect on the health of the third field of life, the social life.

It is the strongest predictive factor for peaceability in adulthood if a human being was able to develop the feeling of gratitude as an inner quality during childhood (9).

Sleeping habits

Sleep is a response to a physical and also a soul-spiritual need. The body regenerates during sleep. From the anthroposophical perspective, the soul-spiritual being of man leaves its body at the time of sleep and unconsciously enters its spiritual home. For good night- sleep we need the feeling of security, of trust. Also it is a fundamental human need to wake up in the same place where one has fallen asleep. Thus the trust is strengthened, that in sleep - when we have neither consciousness nor control - nothing happens to us. To learn this, the child may be given the opportunity to be conscious when being put to bed from the very beginning of life onwards. In addition, regarding sleep itself: the opportunity to sleep is offered regularly, the child is invited to sleep, but not pressured. The adult is putting into place the process as well as the prepared environment. The child may also need to be accompanied in finding the way into a state of restfulness. Above all, adults needs to trust that sleep will set in. In this way, the child is given the opportunity to freely regulate himself and also to experience respect for his autonomy. After all, sleep works best when we approach it with a positive attitude. Thus we put the child to sleep in every phase of life, already from the first weeks of life onwards, with the words: "... and now you may sleep". It may, it does not have to. Thus sleeping and the place of sleep are valued as something positive. In addition, it also helps adults with their own sleep if they can create this mood within themselves. An evening meditation or evening prayer and a review of the past day in reverse order can support the readiness for sleep (please also see https://www.anthromedics.org/PRA-0953-EN).   

Movement

The importance of providing the time, opportunity and a safe environment for the free development of movement in the child will be described by another contributor to this publication.

Every human being needs a safe place, a safe spot on the great support giving earth, a place, where he can settle and feel at home. This place provides shelter, security, retreat, ideally also relief and relaxation. The interior design of the home therefore contributes significantly to a healthy family culture.

For example, one may pay attention to the colours of the home so that they radiate warmth and security. A calming and aesthetically balanced environment reduce stress hormones. Over-stimulation, especially in the area of vision and hearing, - something from which most children suffer today, - should be avoided: bright colours and posters, animation devices (from flashing mobile phones to tablets), background music or movies, to name but a few. The more a child is overwhelmed by external visual and auditory stimuli, the less she can develop the ability of self-perception. In addition, it is good if the child's room is not exposed to noise. It does not necessarily have to be absolutely quiet or pitch dark. Children do experience the ambient sounds of everyday family life in the background as reassuring. However, light and noise should be significantly attenuated for sleeping.

First, the child needs time and space to learn to discover and perceive himself. The better he succeeds, the stronger will mindfulness towards oneself become and the ability to concentrate and learn. In consequence environmental awareness (mindfulness towards the environment) and social competency (mindfulness towards others) will develop later in life.

Nature is a particularly good place to learn this. Children who are allowed to play a lot outdoors are healthier with respect to many qualities such as physical self-perception and motor development, learning ability and memory, as well as regarding the immune system and resilience (10).

Order

There is truth in the saying: "Order represents half of the art of living". A certain basic order in the household - adapted to the individual needs, not too meticulous or even sterile - will provide orientation and not only facilitates life but also expresses mindfulness towards the things and spaces that have been made available to us by the earth. Order should serve life and not vice versa. It also provides security for a child if she knows where things have their place and can always be found. This is particularly important about toys. Here one will make sure that there won't be too many of them, that the number of toys is just right for the child to keep track of and for the family to clean up without stress. If children's rooms are not littered with excessive toys, the children usually play much more creatively. Sometimes they would like to leave built up play landscapes until the next day. It's nice when there's room for it. If one notices play activity with a built-up structure (i.e., a landscape is no longer maintained by the child himself) diminishes, then it is time to dismantle it and tidy up again. This creates space for new play.

When selecting toys, care must be taken to ensure that the child's senses are addressed in their entirety, thus stimulating their development. Through brain research, we know that the more senses work together in an experience or activity, the stronger is the networking in the brain and thus the learning ability and memory formation (11). This is best achieved when toys are avoided which tend to deceive the senses and natural materials are preferred. Those toys are best with which the child can spend some time independently and creatively, alone or with others. With that in mind,  toys should always be adaptable to the individual developmental age of the child, - following the criterion that a toy should never do more than the child can do, so that the child retains the active, creative role in play.

The human being is a social being. From the very beginning, human life has been designed for cooperation and community. The abilities of human beings are so diverse and variably  distributed that it is only through their working together that the creative and effective power of humankind can come to light and unfold. This is true for communities on a large scale as well as for smaller communities such as the family.

There is scientific proof now that not only physical and mental health depend on the quality of social bonds and relationships in life, but also the satisfaction of an individual with his life (12). Social competency, i.e. the ability to take part in the shaping of social relationships, is learned in childhood - and above all learned from a child’s caregivers and the way in which they related to the child. Bonding begins immediately after birth. First, the child wants to build a trusting bond with one carer, usually the biological mother, if available. This bonding is called ‘primary attachment’ in the research on Early bonding. Later, the child extends her attachment to the father (end of the first, beginning of the second year of life), and then to other persons such as grandparents, aunts, uncles (13). They are already known to the child from early on, but the strong trust, which first was directed towards the mother , is only extended towards other family members at a later stage. This trust is based on two essential experiences which every child needs; on the one hand: "there is someone who always perceives and strives to fulfil better and better what I need, no matter how he feels himself or how I am behaving at that moment"; on the other hand, "there is someone who perceives me as a person, who reacts to me, who turns to me with attention and appreciation; who helps me to understand the world and myself better and better.” The first ability or quality is called "sensitivity" by the research into attachment, the second "emotional availability" (14). In total it is the quality that only parents or parental substitutes can give to their children and which Jorge Bucay calls "unconditional love" (15). This love is characterized by being reliable; it does not need to be courted. This love always separates the behavior from the person, and even in later childhood a well as later in life it can be relied upon that this love never stops, regardless of what may happen. Human beings feel comfortable and secure in the family when they know:  here I can be who I am. Here I don't have to pretend, here I can also be frustrated and imperfect without being rejected or urged to change on the spot.

Based on what has been said so far, now there follow some suggestions as to how relationships can be formed and nurtured within the family.

Communication

Communication is the first area to look at. It is a prerequisite for successful relationships. If communication bears the qualities of attentiveness, loving respectfulness, appreciation of the other, a non-judgmental and authentic quality, then communication becomes the foundation for fulfilling social togetherness. Positive wording, avoidance of so-called "you-messages" ("you are aggressive", "you have ruined it", "you are driving me crazy" etc.) and, very importantly, congruence, that is, language, gestures, facial expressions and intonation express the same message, create trust, convey appreciation and cause a feeling of comfort in the other person. The opposite causes stress.
It is helpful to begin early in the child’s life with announcing and speaking to the child about everything that is done with him or for him. The gentle talking about what one does not only promotes the forming of a secure bond, but also fosters language development in the child. Speech which expresses that the adult is worried causes fear in the child, and the same holds true for causal explanations. Children to whom lots of explanations are given at an early age (intellectualizing parenting style already at pre-school age) are often much more anxious than others and remain so for life. The child learns trust in the world when adults first tell him how the world is and not explain why.

Rules and agreements as orientation

Living together - also in the family - is facilitated by rules and agreements. These should arise from the needs of daily life. Marshall Rosenberg even avoids the term rule. A popular quote from him is: "You can call it rules, I call it needs" (17). They should also meet current necessities. Therefore they need to be adapted time and again. Suitable for this purpose are ‘family-conferences’ every now and then, in which the children take part depending on their age. In the event of conflicts and ambiguities, it can be convened by any family member. Dates and rules only make sense if one can stick to them. It is important for the trust in the family bond that rules are followed.

Physical closeness and sexuality

A close interpersonal relationship also includes physical closeness. For example, children love to be stroked, embraced and kissed by those who are close to them. These caresses convey both, perception of oneself and an intense sense of togetherness that extends into the bodily sphere of life. Furthermore, they promote healthy physical growth and thriving, which has been proven as far back as the animal world (18). However, it must always be ensured that caresses are wanted by all those involved. Physical closeness must never be forced against the will of the other. This rule applies in general, but especially in relation to adults and children. Parents may communicate to their children if the physical closeness is unpleasant for them at a certain time. However, this should only occur in exceptional situations. If the child is rejected too often, it becomes sad, feels unloved and cannot establish/maintain a secure attachment. In principle, however, it is important and positive if, in an exemplary manner, respect for setting boundaries can be learned within the family life.

For children, it is also nice and reassuring to experience that their parents love each other and lovingly communicate with each other. Therefore parents can of course hug, kiss, caress each other in front of their children and display their mutual appreciation. This does not apply to sexual acts. It disturbs and frightens children when they experience sexual encounters between their parents. They experience the parents then as not accessible, but in another, distant condition, in which the parents cannot take up contact with the children. Experiencing parental sex life often leads to strong sexualised behaviour in children already from early childhood onwards and promotes physical disrespect towards other people.  

Parents as a couple

The relationship of parents as a couple also requires attention and care within the family system. This sphere of relationship already existed before parenthood, is the prerequisite for parenthood and continues to exist independently of it. It is the foundation of the entire family and thus really its highest asset. If the parents feel happy together as a couple, then, as a rule, the whole family does well. Therefore parents should time and again plan special moments just for themselves and their partnership, tell each other about the day, their experiences, worries, needs and joys, occasionally go out together in the evening and give to each other the opportunity for physical closeness. The couple's relationship succeeds best when this relationship receives care on a spiritual, psychological and physical level. According to Biddulph, the keys to a successful relationship can also be expressed in the following way: Share with each other ideals and values, show love and interest in the other, make physical closeness possible. Relationships as couples are most stable when they contain three qualities: honesty, love and respect (20). For parents, these values can become leading image and  guideline.

Multigenerational households

To pursue their own needs, parents need support in caring for their children. Babysitting and day care are possible without harm if the basic trust in the family ties is strong. Grandparents represent a great resource here and are a blessing for any young family if they are nearby and can provide support primarily out of love and not out of self-interest. This may also apply to other persons. At about one year of age, a child can usually already spend several hours with a person who is already familiar to him, without the mother (primary caregiver) or parents being present.
The healthy effect is also shown by the fact that people who have children and seniors who are socially involved in family or friendships have a higher life expectancy than others (21).

Shared experiences in the family

Bonding within the family is strengthened by shared positive experiences. If the whole family enjoys doing something together, joy, health, well-being and confidence are encouraged – e.g. playing board games in the evenings, excursions, listening together to a book reading, festivals, holidays. If problems or conflicts arise between parents and children, one-to-one time is helpful. Mother or father make themselves available for a troubled child reliably and regularly – e.g. once a week, once every two weeks, if possible. Attention is given without preconditions, without expectations and without offering attractions to the child. The child can then decide for himself what should be done. This often leads to conversations and experiences which restore lost trust and have a calming, soothing effect on the souls of children and parents alike.

These have already been described at the beginning of this essay. Rituals, prayers, seasonal and religious festivals, church services, fairy tales, instructive stories, meditation and inner contemplation all contribute to the care for spiritual needs. They help the human being to keep in touch with himself, his spiritual origin and the surrounding cosmos. They strengthen the confidence of being held and supported.

During each night we human beings enter into the spiritual world with our soul-spiritual being. From there we are able to bring back forces and impulses for the life during the day. Thus it can be very helpful to take a question into one’s sleep, which may arise when we have worries and conflicts with a child or a partner. Over the next few days, we can listen to what has changed.

Rudolf Steiner very concretely describes that at night angelic beings feel touched by positive human behavior during the day, and then gladly continue to provide us with the same forces with which they have enabled us to develop as children in the first three years of our lives in learning to walk, speak and think. Thus we can also care for the spiritual part of our being through our behavior in everyday life. Steiner expresses it thus: "Actions of kindness, borne by the respect for the other human being as spirit being" during daytime enables the nocturnal exchange with the Archai (spirits of the personality). An "idealistic-benevolent attitude towards the other human being in one’s words" promotes the nocturnal exchange with the Archangeloi (archangels); "idealism and spirituality in thinking" promotes the exchange with the Angeloi (angels) (22).

Therefore, if we pay attention to our actions, speaking and thinking in this respect, then much good is to be expected. This can be experienced as a fact, as Gandhi and many others have also pointed out.

In conclusion we can say: The human being brings with him to earth archetypal trust as a gift; he can develop trust in himself during life on earth; trust in God keeps him in life. In the family, we can strive to nurture and maintain all three powers of trust. 

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3. Robert Koch-Institut. KIGGS-Welle 2. Studie zur Gesundheit von Kindern und Jugendlichen in Deutschland (KIGGS). Erhebung 2014 – 2017. Verfügbar unter https://www.kiggs-studie.de/english/results/kiggs-wave-2/journal-of-health-monitoring.html (20.8.2021).
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6. Chronobiologie. Unser innerer Rhythmus. Spektrum der Wissenschaft Kompakt vom 19.3.2018.
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8. Feld M, Young P. beurer Schlafatlas 2017. So schläft Deutschland. München: Südwest Verlag; 2017.  
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10. Flade A. Zurück zur Natur? Erkenntnisse und Konzepte der Naturpsychologie. Berlin, Heidelberg: Springer; 2018.
11. Siehe z. B. Auer WM. Sinnes-Welten. Die Sinne entwickeln, Wahrnehmung schulen, mit Freude lernen. München: Kösel-Verlag; 2007.
12. Siehe z. B. Spitzer M. Einsamkeit, die unerkannte Krankheit. München: Droemer HC; 2018.
13. Siehe z. B. Brisch KH. Bindungsstörungen. Von der Bindungstheorie zur Therapie. 17. Aufl. Stuttgart: Klett-Cotta; 2020.
14. Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L, Biringen Z. Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Frontiers in Psychology 2015;6:1069. DOI: https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069.[Crossref]
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16. Siehe auch Steiner R. Die Erziehung des Kindes vom Gesichtspunkte der Geisteswissenschaft. 8. Aufl. Basel: Rudolf Steiner Verlag; 2020.
17. Seminar mit Marshall Rosenberg, Gewaltfreie Kommunikation, Urania, Berlin im Juni 2007.
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19. Biddulph S, Biddulph S. Wie die Liebe bleibt. Über die Kunst, ein Paar und Mann und Frau zu sein. 3. Aufl. München: Heyne Verlag; 2003.
20. Glöckler M. Von der Beziehungskultur. Vortrag im Rahmen des Internationalen Kleinkindkongresses „Die Würde des kleinen Kindes“ vom 2.-5.6.2010, Dornach, Schweiz.
21. Modig K, Talbäck M, Torssander J, Ahlbom A. Payback time? Influence of having children on mortality in old age. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health 2017;71:424–430.
22. Steiner R. Die Geistige Führung des Menschen und der Menschheit. GA 15. 6. Auflage. Basel: Rudolf Steiner Verlag; 2015.